Church tings

 It's 10. 30am  and I swiftly tip toe into the  church. Then all eyes switch to me. I suddenly feel threatened and unwelcome. Almost all seats are taken. I do a quick analysis. There are two main columns. One is full of women and children and the other few a men and youth. The last seats are full of ruddy youth and I feel odd seating next to them. I walk boldly oblivious of the noise my sharp-shooters are making. Now everybody is looking at me. I sit next to an old woman and everybody goes back to listening. No sooner do I sit down than the speaker signals that we all stand up. It's praise and worship time.I don't know any of the songs and I am trying hard to keep up with the dancing rhythm. The old woman next to me keeps confusing my rhythm. She keeps stepping on my shoe. However I am catching up and as soon hear "mambo sawasawa". I love this song. I am now singing joyfully but then the song is cut and we all sit down. Someone is talking up there but I can't get my eyes off the ceiling. There is a small bird that keeps flying above us. I think it's looking for a way out. I follow it with my eyes and desperately hope it sees the exit. After about 20 minutes it finally flies out. Now I promised myself to be attentive during the preaching. I pull up in my seat and attentively listen until someone catches my eye. There is this girl in the front seats who keeps looking in my direction. Everytime she looks back, our eyes meet then she looks forward again. I will not look at her this time but she looks again and our eyes lock. She suddenly jolts up and starts walking out. She is the lightskin type and I follow her back with my eyes to my satisfaction.Then a phone rings. I mean, seriously? Who doesn't put their phone in silent mode during church? Everybody is looking for the culprit but they soon face my direction. I look oblivious till I realize it's mine. I quickly take it out of my pocket and try to end the call. My fingers are moving as fast as they can but it's still ringing. I finally switch it off but the stares I get make me feel like crawling under my seat. It's preaching time. I quickly go to my phone's Bible app and read through. Then I notice a Twitter notification. "#kenyavsnigeria" is trending. The pictures there are hysterical . I go through them with quiet chuckles and sighs. Then I move to Facebook and enter a few pages before I suddenly hear "the grace of our Lord..", the program has come to an end and everyone is going out. I switch off my phone and walk out.